Go Beyond Surface Level Emotions

One of the challenges of leadership, or honestly, in any relationship, is that when you genuinely care about your team and the people around you, it's easy to take things personally. Sometimes it's criticism. Sometimes it's a comment made in passing. Sometimes it's a facial expression in a meeting that leaves you wondering what you said or did wrong. And sometimes it's a difficult conversation that unexpectedly hits a nerve. 

Last week, I found myself in one of those moments. For years, I've been trying to solve a problem that many providers and healthcare leaders face: provider inbox overload. The physicians I work with are dedicated, compassionate people who care deeply about their patients, but the constant influx of results, patient messages, staff questions, and administrative tasks creates a level of overwhelm that often contributes to burnout. I've spent years trying different solutions, improving workflows, and looking for ways to make things better. Despite those efforts, I still haven't found a solution that solves the problem. (I mean, has anyone out there found it? If so, please call me.) 

Recently, concerns about this issue were discussed in a meeting without me present, and an email was sent to my supervisor expressing the need to address it. I wasn't included on the email, and if I'm being honest, it felt a little like a gotcha moment. It felt like all the time, effort, and energy I'd invested trying to solve this problem had been forgotten. At first, I took it personally. It felt like a judgment of my leadership and a message that I wasn't doing enough or that I wasn't hearing them. 

Later, I found myself in a conversation with some of the providers about the issue. It quickly became clear that everyone in the room cared about solving the problem, but that care was showing up as frustration. In the middle of the discussion, I found myself asking a simple question: Why is this bothering me so much? 

When I sat with that question, I realized something important. I wasn't upset because I wasn't included in the email. I wasn't upset because they wanted additional help. I was upset because I care. I care deeply about these people and this team. I don't want them feeling overwhelmed, unheard, or unsupported. I hate feeling like I haven't been able to solve a problem that impacts them so significantly. 

What I discovered was that my defensiveness wasn't rooted in ego...it was rooted in compassion and care. The moment I was able to articulate that, the conversation shifted. We stopped defending positions and started solving problems. We listened differently, understood one another more clearly, and even exchanged a few apologies. The problem itself wasn't magically solved that day, but the conversation became more productive because we moved beyond our initial reactions and explored what was underneath them. 

It's a lesson I continue to learn, both as a leader and as a coach. It's also a lesson that extends far beyond leadership. 

Maybe for you it's someone who went behind your back and said something about you. Maybe it's a colleague who you don't think pulls their own weight. Maybe it's a friend, partner, sibling, parent, or coworker who continues to do something that frustrates you. Whatever it is, I would encourage you to go a little deeper than those surface-level emotions. 

Take a step back and get curious. Ask yourself what's really bothering you. Not just at work, but in all areas of your life. Because often, it's not actually the situation itself that's creating the strongest reaction. It's the emotion underneath it. It's the meaning we've attached to it. It's the value that feels threatened. It's the need that isn't being met. 

One of the most powerful things I've learned through working with a coach is that when I'm frustrated, angry, annoyed, hurt, or stuck in those surface-level emotions, I become closed off. I become less receptive to feedback. I become defensive. I feel disconnected from the people I work with and the people I care about. Usually, what's underneath those emotions is something much deeper. 

When we're able to identify those deeper emotions, and communicate them honestly, that's when real conversations happen. That's when real connection happens. And sometimes, that's when real solutions begin to emerge. 

Now, I don't live in a dream world. There are plenty of situations where you can do all of this self-reflection and still not change how another person reacts. You can't control their behavior, choices, or responses. What you can control is your own response. You can take back ownership of your thoughts, emotions, and perspective. You can protect your mental well-being and create enough distance from a situation to think clearly rather than simply react. 

For me, that's where the true benefit of self-reflection lies. It's not always about fixing the relationship or solving the problem. Sometimes the value is simply understanding yourself better. Sometimes you gain both self-awareness and a stronger connection with another person. Sometimes you only gain the self-awareness. And honestly, that's still worth it. 

Anybody who knows me knows this is something I still need to work on. I'm not perfect. My emotions get the best of me sometimes. I still become defensive. I still get frustrated. I still react before I've fully reflected. But I've learned that these emotions don't have to be a weakness. They can help you become a better leader, a better friend, a better partner, a better parent, and ultimately a better version of yourself. 

I'm not sharing this because I've mastered it. I'm sharing it because I'm practicing it. And I hope it gives you an opportunity to reflect on where you need to go beyond your surface-level emotions.